Hi, everyone. I’m facing a question I’m sure many others in
chronic pain have grappled with—why are my prayers for healing never answered?
Why can’t anyone cure me? I recently returned from my visit to a prestigious clinic.
My doctor was great, but I gathered little new information and received the
same diagnosis as always (Chronic Migraine Syndrome), as well as the news that
I will probably never be cured. Hearing this from one of the best headache
doctors in the nation hurt—part of me was still hoping for a cure.
But even now, even when I am feeling disappointed
in the medical system and frustrated because of the role my migraines are
playing in some major life decisions I am trying to make, I'm not sorry that I
was born with chronic pain—I know I would not be the same person without it.
Having migraines has given me empathy for others in constant pain and has
allowed me to help others in my situation in small ways, such as by encouraging
the teachers of diversity classes at my college to incorporate a discussion of
chronic pain into the curriculum or by giving advice to people who have
recently developed chronic pain.
I would like to share a quote that
sums up my sentiment. The quote is from Battle
for Grace, a memoir about how
chronic pain derailed Cynthia Toussaint's dreams to become a dancer. Toussaint
says that “if I could have chosen to live pain-free, I would have grabbed
the option by the throat. But I would have been lesser for it. By a long
shot" (277). This quote, while also mentioning that pain can make someone
a better person, caused me to reflect on my own situation. If I could somehow
choose to live the rest of my life without chronic pain, I, like Cynthia, would
choose to do so in an instant, but if I had the opportunity to somehow erase my
chronic pain so that I had not had to live so many years in pain, I would never
take it. Erasing my pain would also mean I would lose the appreciation, the
strength, the courage, and the empathy I have gained from coping with my pain.
The point I’m trying to
reach here is that maybe there is a reason that my prayers for and hopes of a
pain free life, like those of so many others in chronic pain, remain unanswered.
Maybe our lives in pain will continue to teach us and help us grow. Does this
erase our pain? Of course not. I am feeling angry, frustrated, and more than a
little lost right now. I am tired of watching my physical pain cause others,
particularly my parents, all kinds of anguish and knowing I can do nothing
about it. I am tired of having to make sacrifices because of my health. I am
tired of pain, and I know many other chronic pain patients are in a similar
position. Yet, I am determined to find whatever good I can in my struggles. One
of my favorite professors once said there are two paths to responding to
negative experiences—one path is to let the negative experience consume you,
and the other path is to do your best to “turn negative experience into
positive energy” and use it to make the world a better place. So, if you are in
chronic pain, or if you are struggling with something else right now, I would
like to remind you—you can and will grow from this experience. It’s never easy,
and it often hurts, but it’s quite possible. At least for me, remembering this
makes everything just a little easier to bear.
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