Doubt and Hope

Hi, readers! I don't know about you, but one of my favorite books of all time is Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. At one point, Jane is waiting for the answer to something, and she is almost wishing the answer doesn't come because "to prolong doubt was to prolong hope." Even though this quote doesn't directly relate to chronic pain, I have been thinking about it a lot lately. In just a few days, I will be switching doctors and going to a different clinic, where they are going to run some tests on  me and reassess my diagnosis.

I feel like Jane right now, like I would rather not hear the answer in case it's the answer I don't want to hear. This, of course is complicated by the fact that I don't know what answer it is that I want to hear. On one level, I think I would rather that their tests find something than that they don't. That might seem strange, but part of me is tired of having this unexplainable pain that no one can treat and that no one else can see any evidence of. I think that other people with chronic pain may have a similar problem. Most of us are like Jane, stuck in a place between doubt and hope, continually looking for answers, if not from one doctor, than from the next, or from the next chiropractor, or the next acupuncturist, or whatever the case is. It's a strange state to be in. Personally, sometimes I don't even want to let myself hope that I will be cured, because hope can be dangerous. Having hope means you can be let down. Yet, I can never quite stop myself.

And even though I've had people tell me I shouldn't be too hopeful, I don't think hope is wrong. I think we, as people in chronic pain, need hope. Hope can help us cope with pain. I think its more a matter of what our hope looks like. For instance, for a long time, I was living for the hope that I would grow out of my pain, and that was my main focus in life. It kept me from enjoying what was around me. So, I think hope can be good, but not when we let it control us. Too much hope can be as life-destroying as not enough.