The Problem of Guilt and Chronic Pain

Dear Readers,

I’m sure most, if not all, people in chronic pain have experienced the subtle comments, looks, and societal beliefs that can make a person feel like he or she has chronic pain because of some personal failing. For instance, just a few of the many responses I have encountered include the disbelief when I say I am in pain all the time (What do you mean, there is pain that doesn’t shut off?), the constant suggestions which imply I could “fix” myself if I only did the right thing (Have you tried acupuncture, over the counter meds, more exercise, a better diet?), or the insistence that I did something to cause my pain in the first place (This is your body trying to send you a message. Or Maybe you are making everything worse by thinking about it too much).

I’ve been told all of these things and many, many more. Some of these statements and attitudes, such as suggestions for a cure, do not bother me very much. Others, particularly the ones that reflect my own fears that I am doing something to deserve this constant pain, can compound my own guilt about my condition. And yes, I do feel guilt—a ton of it. Every time I have to cancel appointments with friends because of a migraine, see my family worried and in pain because of my condition, or turn down an officer position or a request to help someone else out because of my pain, I feel terribly guilty. Knowing I am doing the best I can does not always help. There are times when logic does not prevail.

I’m not the only chronic pain patient who struggles with guilt or with the frustration of society unintentionally placing blame on victims of chronic pain. One of the most famous examples, which I’m sure many chronic pain patients are familiar with, is the “Letter to Normals.” This internet-spread lament is a letter written by a chronic pain patient expressing his frustration with the way “normal” people respond to chronic pain. If you are interested in it, you can find it quickly with a Google search. I do not agree with everything in the letter (not by a long shot, actually) but I think it has value in that it shows how people with chronic pain often desperately want to be understood. If we were truly understood, perhaps the problematic behaviors I have mentioned would finally disappear.

However, I don’t believe the responsibility for a change in the societal perceptions of those in chronic pain belongs only to people without chronic pain. I believe that sharing our experiences and opinions in order to educate the so called “normals” on chronic pain could go a long ways toward helping solve this problem. This belief is part of the reason I designed my independent study project about chronic pain, and I would love it if some of you would also strive to talk to others about your experiences. I know it’s not easy, but I believe it could make a big difference.

In the meantime, there is still the problem of guilt. I’ve posted resources about  guilt and chronic pain before (see the “Resources About the Emotional Side Effects of Pain” section under the resource page). Feel free to check those three resources out.

In particular, I will repost one of those resources here. This resource offers helpful tips for dealing with this type of guilt: http://rawarrior.com/3-questions-3-answers-about-guilt-chronic-illness/

Thank you for reading!